Oh, The Sweet Sweetness

I just experienced what I can only describe as sweetness. No, sweet sweetness.
I had been reading and dozing off for about an hour when I finally gave up and got ready for bed. But in the process of getting ready for bed, my mind began to wander. When I am sleepy, my mind tends to wander to places a rested, coherant mind would not necessarily go. That said, I began thinking about how we had been at the Evans' house swimming this evening and how much Elena had gone underwater. Have any of you guys received the email going around about dry drowning? (If not, it is a phenomenon where kids can actually drown in water that got into their lungs hours earlier.) Tired mind + really awful recent email story = enough to need to go in and physically check to make sure Elena was still breathing.
Off to her room I go and she is asleep on her back with her arm bent and hand to her face (if you know her well, you already know that she puts herself to sleep by nursing on her wrist. I know, a little unusual. Ok, a lot unusual. When she had her sleep study a year ago, they commented on never having seen such a thing.) Anyway, her elbow was actually between crib slats. I stood there watching for tummy movement. I saw some, but not enough to convince me she was ok. And who could sleep with their arm stuck in a slat anyway? So I touched her hand. Nothing.
That made me feel like I wasn't going to sleep well unless I actually picked her up and made sure she was ok. So I did. And she just nuzzled into my shoulder and wrapped her legs and arms around me. I sat in her rocker wondering if she could actually still be asleep when she picked up her head and gave me the sweetest melt-my-heart smile. Then she laid it back down and commenced wrist licking.
I sat there rocking and patting her little bootie. I found myself rocking her bootie from side to side like I used to when she was a colicky, egg-allergy-reacting newborn. I used to shake her bottom and then push on her tummy to try to work out her gas. (Side note: tonight she tooted on demand as I rocked her to bed. She said "Goodnight toots" and then proceeded to let one rip. Twice! Such different times these are! LOL)
Anyway, I just rocked and rocked her. I thought maybe I should just hold her all night to be sure she didn't swallow too much water. (ok, I totally would have given that up after like 15 minutes, but it was such a sweet thought!) And then she smiled at me again and I whispered "I love you, Elena" and got a giggly "Wub you" in return. And then I realized she was not going to sleep on me, she was fine, and she needed to go back to bed where she could get her rest.
Still, I couldn't help wondering where all the time has gone. It seems like it could have been last night, or an hour ago for that matter, that I rocked her for hours not knowing what was wrong with her little tummy. And her little bootie could fit in the palm of one hand! And she could curl up with her knees at my belly and her head at my chest. Not that I miss those days- those were some HARD days! I could not have made it through that without our regular 5:30-7pm time outside when my neighbors would take turns holding her (and patting and rubbing the gassy tummy!). Seriously, HOURS and WEEKS of horrible crying before we found out she was allergic to eggs. But tonight made me remember that time and only remember how sweet and cuddly and tiny and innocent she was. And how big and smart and independent she is becoming!
My prayer is not that she would not grow up, or even that time would go by slowly necessarily. But that I would relish and enjoy and love every single moment. That I would spent time with them both instead of just doing jobs that need to be done. I don't want to be so caught up in feeding mouths and wiping bottoms that I miss a moment of memories. I want to file it all away in my mind so that 2 years from now I can remember this time and how blessed I am. Ahh, such sweet sweetness!